Unfinished Confessions
by Emily Hoyt
Summary: What had Kate been about to say in the freezer? What had Rick been about to say before Doctor Biker Boy strode in? Will they ever finish these broken confesssions?


AN: Hello, all! Hope you like this and I KNOW it's barely under the wire before the new episode... Oh, well! At least I managed to post at all!

I would really appreciate nit-picky, detail-oriented constructive criticism, if you please! THANKS!

* * *

The house seemed so empty. Well, it more than seemed empty; it was empty. Rick wandered aimlessly through the townhouse, going from room to room and thinking of nothing to do with himself. He had come so close… so close! And that stupid biker-doctor just _had_ to ruin it. His heart had ached as he told his partner he just wanted to go home. It was a lie; he wanted to go grab a drink or some food at Remi's or something!

He swung open the door to Alexis' room and looked around, spotting her old stuffed bear on the chair in the corner. Smiling, he walked in and picked it up, hugging it tight into his side as he sat down on her bed. He remembered giving it to her when she was just an infant. She had been lying in her crib and smiled when she saw him enter her room, baby noises welcoming him. When he had drawn the teddy out from behind his back and wiggled it in front of her face, she had laughed and giggled, warming his heart.

That was just one of the memories that had sustained him throughout his stay in the giant freezer. He had to make it out to see his little girl again. Then, he did and was forced to send her away without a chance to explain, not letting her bring along her boyfriend… At that moment, all he had wanted was to make it through for fear of Alexis hating him if he died away from her and cost her Ashley in the process.

But there were other memories, too. Setting the stuffed toy back in its place on the chair, he exited the room, shutting the door behind him and made his way a few doors down to another room, one currently unoccupied, though it had been for a little while. Opening the door, he peeked in, almost expecting to hear his name shouted and an order barked for him to get out before he was shot. Oh, how he missed that threat! Rick stepped in and looked at the large bed in the center of the room for a moment before moving towards it. He smiled and touched the down cover, the only thing he had convinced Alexis didn't need to be washed immediately. The last thing he wanted to wash out that wonderful cherry scent.

Sitting down on the edge, he paused a moment before laying down and wrapping his arm around one of the pillows she had used. Although the cover had been washed, her scent had managed to seep a little into the actual pillow. Inhaling deeply, another memory surfaced, the cherry scent in his nostrils mixing with the smell of eggs and bacon. A freshly scrubbed Kate making breakfast in his kitchen, looking totally at home and he had loved every minute until that stupid cell of hers rang.

Rick shook his head and another memory filtered in. He was in the passenger seat, groggy and slowly coming out of his induced snooze, feeling a weight pressing into his side, the weight of a body. She let out a little moan and slowly came to, but the feeling of her curves pressed into his side would forever stay ingrained in his mind. Her warmth and that fantastic fruity smell invaded his nostrils and for a few precious seconds, he would have sworn she even snuggled in a little before she was completely conscious.

And that kiss! The feel of her soft lips on his would be his salvation or ruination and, even now, he still wasn't sure which yet. It had kept him fighting, kept him strong in the freezer, the hope that, maybe one day, he would get to do it again. Then, the sight of her smiling and laughing and thanking The Boyfriend had nearly killed him, a fate so many times worse than freezing to death. He inhaled one last time and closed his eyes, trying his damnedest to trick his mind into thinking he was actually holding her.

Rick nearly ignored the ringing of the front door when it first chimed through the apartment, but three rings later, he realized whoever it was had no intention of taking the hint. He reluctantly let go of the pillow and pushed himself off the bed to the stairs. As he reached the landing, the mystery guest began knocking instead, the knuckles solid against the wooden door making a loud sound. He grumbled and rubbed his head, not realizing a small migraine had begun to form.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" he yelled to the intruder, thudding down the stairs, still a little stiff from the deep freeze then all the physical activity of the day, not to mention the stress. "Keep your shorts on!" he hollered when the person knocked again. Oh, was he going to give them a piece of his mind when he opened that door! He looked down at his watch and nearly choked. Eleven-forty? "Alright, you better have a good reason for being here at twenty to midnight after the day I've had!" he barked and swung the door open.

"Same as mine," Kate muttered, swallowing hard as Rick stilled. Silent for longer than she was used to, she opened her mouth twice before she managed to find something to say. "It's late. You're right; I'm sorry. I'll… We'll talk tomorrow," she mumbled and turned to leave, but his voice halted her.

"It's never too late for you, Beckett. C'mon in," he said, his voice just loud enough to be heard, but soft and welcoming. She turned back to him and her eyes squinted a little as if to silently ask if he was sure. "C'mon," he mumbled and stepped back to grant her access.

Stepping in, she kicked off her boots at the door and shrugged off her coat, which he took immediately and hung up. She made her way over to his couch and he handed her a blanket from the back of it to pull over her legs. Dressed in sweat pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie with the throw covering her lap, she looked like a little girl who needed to be taken care of, but Rick knew looks were deceiving; this woman was strong and very capable of taking care of herself, as she had pointed out on several occasions.

"Something to drink?" Rick asked, startling her out of her thoughts. "Coffee, tea?"

"Do you… having something a little stronger?" she questioned, feeling a little embarrassed to be asking for something that hadn't been offered. Her mother's lessons in manners still rang in her head and, even at a crime scene, she tried to be as respectful as possible. Still, caffeinate or steeped beverages just weren't enough for her tonight.

"Wine, brandy, cognac?" he offered and she smiled. She knew she could count on him having her favorites.

"A glass of wine would feel fabulous!" she gushed as she sank into the comfortable couch, listening as the cork popped and the glasses tinkled as he set them on the counter. Within seconds, he was at her side with two bubble glasses filled with red wine. "Thank you, so much," she breathed out and took a healthy drink from her glass, smiling as the liquid warmed her throat.

"So, what can I do for you?" he asked, sitting down at the opposite end of the couch leaving almost three feet of space between them. The last thing he wanted was to cross any line she was here to set. She felt cold and wished he'd sat closer, but she said nothing as she took another swig before speaking.

"Castle, I… I want so many things, but I guess I have to do this one at a time." She sighed and took yet another swig, noticing as she lowered the glass that it was already half-empty. She needed to slow down, but she needed the liquid courage.

"Just take your time. I don't have any plans," he reassured her, taking another drink himself. She seemed to notice for the first time just how silent the place was a looked up at him. "I called Alexis and Mother when I got in, said everything was alright and that they didn't need to rush back. I rather they wait until morning. A good night's sleep and fresh eyes will be much safer for driving."

"True. You always do think of others, don't you?" she mused to herself. Smiling a little wider, she lifted her eyes back to his. "And you always know what I'm thinking, too." He shrugged with a crooked grin, but he refused to look at her. "How do you do it, Castle?" she asked, her voice low and filled with a kind of awe.

"I don't know… I guess after three years of research, I've gotten to know your logic process. I'm sure you and Josh are like that," he said. He saw her recoil a touch and wondered if he'd said something wrong, but the mention of The Boyfriend had been more for his benefit than hers; he needed to remember she was unavailable.

"Well, um… not really… You see, with our schedules, it's not like we have too much time together."

"I see," he whispered. "Well, regardless, I'm sure you had it with Demming or… oh, what was his name, the FBI guy with the case about the abducted little girl?"

"Will?" she supplied, her voice trying to suppress laughter. "Hardly! Again, not together enough for that kind of connection to form," she said, taking a more moderately sized sip this time. "No, I never took the time to get that invested with them, Castle. Hell, I never take the time to get that invested with anyone!" she laughed, looking up at the ceiling as she thought about her relationships.

"You and I can read each other," he pointed out, wondering to himself if that was a good thing or a bad thing considering she didn't do it with her boyfriends. She looked back at him and shrugged.

"Well, let's face it, Castle; I see you every single day. We work together in close proximity. And, I also admit that I didn't invest in you, Castle. You invested in me and, I'm sure it was very difficult, but you finally managed to get through where very few… actually, the only ones who knows me as well or better than you is Lanie and my dad," she admitted, looking down into her glass. "I have a lot of acquaintances, Castle, but not a lot of friends and even fewer confidants."

"Kate, look at me," he said in a hush, waiting for her to lift her eyes back to his. When she did, he continued. "You have friends. Think of everyone you know at work, all the people you can call if you ever need anything. You have people you can count on. Heck, I can think of almost a dozen off hand and I'm sure there are many more I haven't and… probably never will meet."

She chuckled. "A dozen?"

"Why are you laughing?" he asked quickly and her mouth snapped shut. "Just at work, you know Esposito, Ryan, Montgomery, Lanie and me would come running for anything you ever needed. Then, there's Alexis and Mother who practically consider you family. You have your father. And, of course, there's Josh…" Again, that name and, again, that withdrawal from her. "He's a great guy and, when he can, he's there for you," he reassured her. She bit her lower lip and shook her head.

" '_When he can'_…" she muttered to herself, her shoulders bouncing with mirthful laughter. "Problem is," she said, her voice swelling a little, "that he's not there too often, is he?" she asked, but Rick knew better than to answer a rhetorical question from a ranting Katherine Beckett. "Nope, he's there for Haiti… and Doctors Without Borders, but he's not there for his girlfriend too much. Heck, he doesn't stay in New York long enough to be there for her, does he?" Another rhetorical Rick refused to answer.

"The truth is," she continued, looking up at Rick, "that the one person I was against allowing into my life has turned into the person I can rely on the most," she admitted, smiling and biting her lower lip. "The man whose presence I barely wanted to acknowledge at crime scenes has become the best partner I've ever had, bar none!" she told him, but she refused to look at him now. "And how do I thank him," she mused, her voice cracking as she spoke, "for _everything_ he's done for me?" she asked, finally looking up at him with tears flooding her lower lid. "I continue to mock him, I continue to belittle the amazing help he offers to my squad… and the worst of it is that… I can't help it. Stupid habits I made for self-protection that are so deeply ingrained into my make-up that I can't break it for more than a couple of seconds every so often to thank you…"

"Kate…" he murmured, but she cut him off.

"When you left tonight," she said, silencing him, "you said you were tired from the day and you were coming home to rest." Rick nodded and was about to make a crack at being on his way when someone began ringing his front door incessantly, but she didn't let him. "You lied." He sat up a little straighter and tried to open his mouth to defend himself, but she gave him a pinning stare. "You lied and, if you try to deny it, you'll just be lying some more, so don't bother. Just tell me what you were going to say."

"I was… Well, I wasn't exactly lying. True, it wasn't what I was originally going to say, but when I changed my mind…"

"Damn it, Castle, stop talking around it and spit it out, please!" she said, her eyes pleading with him to be straight with her. He sighed.

"I was going to ask you to head out for a bite to eat and maybe some drinks," he said, telling the truth, but still concealing enough to protect his fragile feelings. She cocked her head to the side and stared into his eyes for a moment before shaking her head.

"No, that's not all of it, is it?" she asked and this time, he wasn't sure if she expected an answer or not. "There was something else," she said and he shook his head.

"No, not really," he fibbed. "I was going to ask you out for dinner, but…"

"But what?"

"Well, I saw Josh come up behind you and… I realized he might not like it…" he said, cringing internally as he noticed how it sounded as if he thought The Boyfriend had a say in her personal life. As if he had lit a fuse, she immediately burst.

"What do mean, 'Josh might not like it'?" she demanded. "I don't answer to him! He's a boyfriend, not a legal guardian!" she reminded him, drawing a little closer, but she made Rick feel a sudden inexplicable need to defend the man in question.

"I'm not implying he owns you, Beckett!" he affirmed, his voice growing a little. "I just mean he might not like it!"

"I don't get your point!" she pushed, growing a little closer. "I didn't want to hurt him, but I decide who I hang out with!"

"I know that!" he said, feeling like she was ignoring what he was trying to say. "I mean that you going out for dinner and drinks with another guy… he might interpret it the wrong way."

"If he trusts me, what does it matter?" she asked, her voice getting a little louder still.

"Trust or not, if you were my girlfriend, I wouldn't be comfortable with you going out with _him_ for dinner and drinks!" That seemed to stop her dead in her tracks and he felt a strange, uncomfortable calm descend on her. "And I know you're a independent and free woman, but it wouldn't stop me from feeling jealous… and…"

"And what?" she squeaked out, her voice having lowered considerably.

"And if I told you about my being uncomfortable… and you told me I had no say in what you did… I'd be crushed that you consider my feelings so insignificant."

Kate sat back in the corner and took a sip of her wine, drawing her knees up to her chin to rest her head on them. She hugged her legs and Rick sat, holding his face in the hand that rested on the back of the couch. He wanted to apologize for being forward, for assuming, for lecturing, but she seemed too lost in thought to accept an apology anyways.

"Why would you be jealous?" she asked and he had to struggle to comprehend her words. He did a double take and she repeated herself. "What cause would you have to be jealous?"

"What do mean, 'cause'?" he blurted out, a mild sense of outrage boiling his blood. "You're a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman and he's only human for crying out loud!" he rambled, but she shook her head.

"You said if the roles were reversed, right? Meaning you were my boyfriend," she emphasized and he was sure her eyes sparkled a little more when she said it, but he shook himself mentally. "And Josh was my partner. If you trust me and he's just my partner, what reason would you have to be jealous?" she asked again and he shook his head.

"But, Beckett, the way he looks at you… he's a red blooded male with love splashed all over his face! Any man in their right mind would be uncomfortable letting a girlfriend like you go out with the likes of him!" he exclaimed and she swallowed, nodding her head as she looked down.

"You're right…" she whispered and he felt himself go still. "Josh is jealous of all the time we spend together." She took a little sip of her almost empty glass. "The thing is… he sees that look in you, Castle," she explained, her lower lip quivering. "And he says he sees it in me, too," she whispered, her voice cracking and tears streaming down her face.

"Oh, God…" he mumbled under his breath. "Kate, I'm so sorry," he told her, leaning in. "I didn't mean to cause a fight," he said and, although a part of him was silently happy that Biker Boy felt like he had competition, he regretted that it had caused his partner any unhappiness. After all, when you love someone, all you really want is their happiness, whether or not it includes you. He sighed, but she cried harder. "Kate…"

"We didn't fight about that, Castle…" she sobbed. "We fought because I _didn't _fight!" she explained tearfully. "He… he said he didn't like my spending so much time with you and I… I just told him as calmly as I'd tell a three year old that it was too bad because you were shadowing me and, more so, you're my partner. When he said he saw the way you look at me, I laughed it off. When he said he saw the way I look at you, I agreed and told him that is was natural… that we'd formed a bond having worked together for so long and having saved each other so many times.

"That's when he got mad that his allegations weren't making _me_ mad. I didn't get mad until he stared saying that your… your caustic and laissez-faire attitude had finally gotten to me. That's when I got mad, but not with his jabs at me; with the way he was attacking you. I… I started yelling that he didn't know you and he didn't know what a wonderful man you are and that he didn't know what a wonderful father you are and… and he told me it was him or you."

She took a deep breath and so did Rick, inhaling another deep gulp of the wine. He set down the glass and stood up, Kate staring up at him in confusion. His shoulders fell and he made his way to the liquor cabinet, taking a shot glass and filling it with rum, knocking it back in one gulp.

"I'll let Montgomery know I'm leaving tomorrow morning," he guaranteed, nearly spilling the bottle mid-pour as he heard Kate gasp. "Beckett…" he said, coming to her side, but her eyes were closed. He sat down and tried to comfort her, but she squeezed her eyes shut before talking a deep breath.

"I told him," she whispered, "that no one disrespects the man… who saved my life more than he'll ever know," she said, letting the tears streak her cheeks. "And now, you're leaving…" she moaned out, setting her jaw and staring dead ahead, refusing to meet Rick's eyes as he pleaded for her to look at him.

"Beckett, please," he whispered. "Please… look at me, Kate." Still, she refused and he sighed in defeat. "Why did you do it?" he breathed. At that, she laughed and stared at him with a watery smile.

"Beats the hell out of me!" she sobbed. "If I'd have known you were leaving _before_, maybe I wouldn't have!" she accused and he felt his spine stiffen.

"I wasn't leaving before! I was offering to leave now to give you and him a chance!"

"But…" She opened her mouth several times to try and say something, but that three letter word was all she could muster for several attempts. Finally, a full thought followed. "But you love the precinct!" she gasped.

"Yeah, so?" he barked back.

"You love solving crimes with us!"

"SO?"

"SO! Why are you leaving?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE!" he bellowed and they both fell still and silent as the words continued to echo through the room. She stared at him for the longest time, watching his jaw harden and his Adam's apple bob with each gulp of air and emotion. He didn't repeat himself, move, or even breath as he waited for her reaction, but she mirrored his immobility, not so much out of choice, but due to a severe lack of ability to do anything else. Seconds ticked by and she wanted him to explain himself, but with an entire English lexicon at her disposal, all she could manage was a tiny gasp that sounded like a word.

"_What_?"

He choked at the incredulousness in her eyes, but couldn't help the ache in his chest. She didn't believe him, even if his declaration had been spurred on by emotions. He shook his head and tried to stand up, but her grip on his hand, which he hadn't noticed she'd taken, was vice-like. His eyes swung between their entwined hands and her misty eyes several times. He shook his head.

"I can't do this…" he whispered.

"When we got out of the freezer…" she whimpered, "my first question… was 'Where's Castle?'. When that bomb was about to detonate, my last thought… or what I thought was going to be my last thought… was 'At least I'm with Castle'." She pressed her lips together, trying to push back the tears, but they flood her lower rims and she gave up the fight. "And… when you wanted to talk to me… before leaving… my thought was… 'I hope he pushes to know what I was going to say to him in that freezer!'," she sobbed. "Because when I thought we were done for, the last thing – the _only _thing – I needed to do before I died… was tell you how much I love you!" she gasped, breaking down into heart-wrenching sobs and burying her face in her hands.

Rick sat in stillness for half a moment before leaning over and wrapping his arm around her body, holding her close as tears shook through her. He remembered holding her into his side in the freezer and how she had been mid-mumble when her arm had fallen limp into his lap and she had stopped moving against him. He'd wanted to cry and couldn't and a small part of him, the part that wasn't a father to a teenage girl, but a partner to a woman he loved dearly, wanted to die with her.

With her head pressed into his chest, she felt her tears subside as the sound of his heartbeat soothed her very soul. He was very much alive and so was she and she would be eternally grateful to the Fates for keeping them alive and together, but even as she tried to tell herself that being alive was enough, that moment of clarity right before darkness meant she would never be the same again. She had fallen in love with her partner and there was no turning back from the subconscious admission. Suddenly, the sound that had been so soothing only seconds ago now bombarded her senses, reminding her that she had just poured her heart out to this man. She tried to pull out of his embrace, but he wouldn't let go.

"Let me go, Castle…" she whimpered as she made another futile attempt to break his hold on her. Had she been at full capacity, she could have easily got free, but this Kate was tired and emotionally drained and just needing solitude right now. She tried to duck out again, but he tightened his grip on her until she surrendered. She panted against his chest as his heartbeat slowed a little and she felt his body relax beneath hers, eventually slackening entirely. "Castle?" she whispered only to gasp when he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

"Yeah, Kate?" he breathed against her hair and she sighed in silence at the feel of his warm breath. "Are you alright?" She nodded her head against his chest and he chuckled. "Maybe I should call you 'Kat' instead?' he asked gently and smiled when her shoulders bounced. "This feels right," he confided in a hushed tone and, still pressed against his chest, she heard his pulse quicken when she nodded her approval. "I don't think I ever want to move ever again," he said and she smiled.

"Me neither…" she whispered, lifting her chin to see him looking down at her.

"Kate?" His breath smelled of wine and it mixed with his cologne to form a heady mix. She swayed.

"Yeah?" she hummed and, slowly, she saw his mouth descend to hers. He neared a fraction of an inch at a time and she felt as if he'd never arrive. "Rick…" she squeaked out before his lips pressed to hers and the whole world went white.

It was neither a wild and passionate kiss, full of longing and lust, nor a sensual, slow embrace, a preview of the night to come. It was a gentle pressure combined with three years of emotions that they poured into each other, content to simply enjoy the sweet softness as they pressed together. His hand rose and stroked her cheek in feather-light caresses, his other hand cradling the back of her head as one would a newborn infant's. She felt tears sting her eyes and lifted her fingers to brush against his stubbled jaw before resting them together against his chest, rejoicing in the feel of his heartbeat beneath them.

"I love you, Katherine Beckett," he mumbled against her lips. She placed one last gentle peck to his Cupid's bow before leaning back less than an inch and resting her forehead against his. She smiled.

"I love you, too, Richard… Alexander Rodgers," she whispered, watching in amusement as his eyes opened wide for a brief second before drooping softly and pressing one last kiss to the corner of her mouth. As he drew away, her lips parted in a wide yawn, making Richard laugh briefly before he partook in the action, Kate returning the chuckle.

"I suppose we should get some sleep," he mumbled. She bit her lower lip and lowered her gaze, nodding her head for a moment. "You could… stay here tonight," he whispered and she nodded softly. "There's… there's the room you stayed in when…" he trailed off and she remembered the charming little room near Alexis' that he'd allowed her to stay in when her apartment had been destroyed. Yet, tonight, sleeping in that room with Rick several doors down seemed as appealing as going home to sleep alone.

"Uh, yeah… sure," she whispered, not wanting to push anything too fast, but Rick tightened his hold on her waist and she looked up at him.

"But, if you're in there… and I'm in my room… I can't do this all night," he murmured, giving her waist an extra little squeeze for emphasis. She let a giggle creep out and Rick smiled in return. "How about we go to my room?" he asked and she nodded quickly. "I don't mean… to imply…" he started, but she reached up and cupped his cheek with a warm smile.

"I know. I think we're both too exhausted anyways… mentally, physically, emotionally…"

"Yeah…"

Helping each other up, they made their way up the stairs and down the corridor to the last door at the end, the master bedroom. The sight of the massive king-sized bed was too much and, with identical smiles, they both climbed fully dressed into the sheets, Rick reaching over and pulling Kate close to him, spooning behind her with his arm draped just under hers. She tangled hers into his, their fingers twining together up near her chin. The darkness surrounded them and the stillness of the apartment offered nothing to keep them from sleep. Eyes grew heavy and breathing evened out until unconsciousness was nearly upon them.

"I love you, Kate," Rick murmured into her ear, smiling as she tightened her hold on his hand.

"I love you, too, Rick," she mumbled back. "My One and Done," she whispered and, wrapped in each other's arms, they finally drifted off, a deep, sweet sleep unlike any other.


End file.
